I rushed into church at the last minute, carrying bulletins still warm from the copy center, which had been more chaotic than usual with half the machines out of order. A cluster of people chatting near the entry greeted me. Jack, part of the group, stepped forward.

“You’re late with the bulletins again!” he blustered. I handed the bulletins to the ushers and walked away, picturing Jack’s head on a platter, gaily adorned with sprigs of fresh mint.

I didn’t say a word to Jack, fearful I’d blurt out something rude in my anger—and look even worse! But behind his back, I said plenty to anyone who would listen. Jack’s finger-pointing irritated lots of people in our small congregation. I knew who they were, and I went to them first. My weapon of vengeance was gossip.

When we talk about people
In Behaving Badly: Aversive Behaviors in Interpersonal Relationships, author Ralph L. Rosnow, Ph.D., offers three identifying characteristics of gossip: The information is “packaged” to appear as idle chat although there is an ulterior motive or purpose; it has a judgmental tone (positive or negative); or the information exchanged is not essential to the purpose at hand. By this definition, gossip is not always malicious.

“If people aren’t talking about other people, it’s a signal that something is wrong—that we feel socially alienated or indifferent,” said Rosnow, the Thaddeus Bolton Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. “Gossiping about someone humanizes him or her. They become flesh and blood people with whom we can identify.”

Gossip is also a way for someone to let others know how they feel about a situation without confrontation, he said. “If you move into a community and your neighbor tells you how the previous homeowner never disposed of his garbage properly, his gossip is letting you in on something else.”

His comment reminded me of the time my husband and I purchased a new home and the family next door warned us that the neighborhood association had a lot of clout and didn’t hesitate to use it. They described a dispute with a neighbor who was forced to remove expensive siding from his house to meet covenant standards. As a result, we made sure the new fence we were installing was in compliance.

Other researchers affirm that gossip defines the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior, communicating a group’s moral code. Sometimes cruel or harmful comments are meant to alert their subject to needed changes in behavior. The intent of gossip isn’t always harmful, as some of the above examples show, but it can still harm others despite our intentions. Christians have other tools in these situations.

A kinder, gentler way
Discussing the foibles and flaws of others is often an attempt to establish our own status in a pecking order. People often show others favor by entrusting them with details, by bringing them information as a child brings a gift to an adult. The subtext is that the listener is valued and trustworthy, as well as different from the person being discussed.

Some people gossip because they fear confrontation, while others simply want revenge or to advance their own agenda. Psychologists claim that this behavior promotes an “us versus them” atmosphere in the workplace and bites the hand that signs our paycheck. There are better ways to find common ground and get ahead.

Bashing people in the name of improving the quality of volunteer-ism doesn’t work either. I served on several committees with a woman named Sandy, who routinely pointed out others’ mistakes or her perception of their mistakes, though never in their presence. Her words discouraged people from volunteering, knowing that their mistakes would be broadcast. Sandy believes that talking up others’ mistakes makes her look superior. But building ourselves up by knocking others down makes us look bad, even if we are the last to see it. Even people who consider themselves our friends know that they could be our next victim.

Speak the truth
Gossiping is a practice the Bible reveals as foolish (Proverbs 10:18), and a form of persecution (Matthew 5:11). Is there a difference between gossip and talking about people? Are we crossing a line when we discuss a confusing relationship with our best friend? Is talking about someone wrong if we are genuinely seeking insight? The answer is simple: It depends on our motive. Is our heart’s desire to gain understanding or indulge in character assassination? Can we find answers by sharing general information rather than giving a blow-by-blow description of our encounter, including names? It might take practice, but Psalm 15 encourages those who “speak the truth from their heart [and] who do not slander with their tongue. . . . Those who do these things shall never be moved.”

Verbal vengeance hurts people; it does get back to them. Sympathetic friends often repeat the gossip to them or tell them who they shouldn’t trust. Others sometimes overhear unkind comments not meant for their ears. Scandal is often exaggerated hearsay, growing more hideous as the information passes from person to person. This kind of talk is as old as humanity and while most of us wouldn’t shed blood, what is a reputation? The Bible tells us clearly that we shouldn’t indulge in it.

Jesus taught that food can’t hurt us as much as the words we speak (Matthew 15:11). Relying on gossip means we don’t learn to resolve relationship issues in the manner of a mature Christian. Talking about people never solves the problem and frequently makes it worse. Honest communication about a problem with the person with whom you have the problem leads to resolution. Jesus isn’t served by backbiting; he is served when we show the courage to work out our differences in a compassionate manner.

Gossip as a personal perception
Employees who resent their bosses might paint them as unreasonable, trying to hurt their reputations. We’ve probably all encountered folks who resent authority figures and who undermine them whenever they can. Acts 23:5 tells us “you shall not speak evil of a leader.” Since a boss leads us, who are we to criticize her?

One co-worker I had the dubious pleasure of knowing claimed that every supervisor she’d ever had was either stupid or a control to turn off our computer monitors at night to conserve energy, placing blandly worded reminders on our desks, she launched a small insurrection. Being around people who stir up dissension is disconcerting. It’s more pleasing to the Holy Spirit to focus on the positives, like doing fulfilling work and earning a decent paycheck.

Rosnow observed that “gossipees”—the people being talked about—are usually not the most popular, because they’re different and don’t conform. But the people who engage in gossip aren’t popular either because of their untrustworthiness. His observations are supported by Proverbs 20:19, “A gossip reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a babbler.”

Our response to gossip
How are we supposed to react when someone gossips about us? “When slandered, we speak kindly” (1 Corinthians 4:13). There’s nothing to fear from another’s gossip. We can live in faith that the situation is in God’s hands and that we will deal with the fallout.

Jesus promised in Matthew 5:11–12, “Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they before you.” While I don’t like having my reputation smeared, being compared to one of God’s anointed is an honor. We are being talked about because we aren’t like the ones sullying our reputations.

Using gossip as a tool to get ahead, make ourselves look superior, or gather supporters so we can promote our own agenda is choosing a standard of behavior that will garner us disrespect in the long run. We pay for our sins. If we want to get ahead, putting forth our best efforts and resolving our conflicts with others directly will get us there.

The alternative to gossip
During Lent, many people choose ancient spiritual practices such as fasting. Usually this involves fasting from food, but some people choose to fast from gossip—a difficult discipline.

It’s hard to approach people who have offended us, but gossiping about them in order to vent our resentment never resolves the problem. My first attempt at resolving a quarrel instead of indulging in gossip was a complete disaster. The discussion deteriorated into a shouting, finger-pointing contest. Successful confrontation, I then realized, requires practice, patience, and prayer.

I eventually learned that I could confront even the most unreasonable person and calmly state my control the outcome; that was up to God. After my knees quit knocking I felt immense peace.

Remember those late bulletins? One friend offered to take me to Jack directly to settle it with him, which stopped me mid-syllable! Matthew 18:15 directs us to “go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.” The next step calls for involving other members of the community if necessary, but in a problem-solving manner. So I put the incident with Jack behind me and began working on my gossip problem.

Your friends will be surprised when you no longer indulge in gossip. They will probably talk about you behind your back (mine did). But it takes just one person to alter the dynamics of a small group.

If despite your efforts, a gossip session continues, leave. Go for a quick coffee, visit the restroom, or pick up the telephone and call someone. Gossips require a willing audience. Proverbs 26:20 says, “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.”

We are all flawed, doing our best to get through the day under invisible burdens. Offering compassion for and tolerance of others’ faults is what Jesus would do.

Cynthia Washington is a freelance writer living in Puyallup, Wash., with her husband, son, two cats, and a dog.