Bold Connections

July/August 2009

Not long ago one of my closest friends was telling me a story and said, “Don’t you remember? That was about when Eisenhower was elected.” Then she looked at me and burst out laughing. “Oh, of course you don’t—you probably weren’t even alive then.” She’s right. I wasn’t. But we are kindred spirits and when we’re talking it seems like the 46 years’ difference in our age evaporates.

I met Eleanor a decade ago. I had joined a women’s circle at church shortly after my family and I moved to Illinois—I was thirsty for a good Bible study and I was looking for friends of faith like the ones I’d left behind in Maryland. I was 28 or 29 years old then, and, as it would be at many churches, that made me the junior member of my circle by at least 15 or 20 years. The members of the Women of Faith Circle, though, were so welcoming that I immediately felt enfolded in the group. I looked forward to that Tuesday night each month.

A year or two after I joined, one of the circle members brought her sister, Eleanor, a retired widow in her late 70s who had recently moved to town. We immediately became friends. She’s funny, she’s frank, she’s optimistic, and she’s practical. We have the same values. She likes to talk as much as I do and she can tell a good story. I have found that she helps me put things in perspective—she has years and experiences that I, my college friends, and even my parents don’t have. She has become family.

Today many people in the United States live far from their families. None of my girlfriends live near their parents or grandparents. I come closest, with my parents only 38 miles away. Of course people keep in touch by telephone and e-mail, but that’s not the same as sharing daily life.

Those friends who have moved away from home seem to miss what extended family often give—the time, help, caring, and example of people who aren’t necessarily your age. Those of us who live close to our parents and grandparents have a chance to help and be helped. We hear their stories, get their counsel, and see them in action. We learn a lot from them by osmosis. Those of us who don’t live close often crave that sense of family. Sometimes we miss it more than we know.

Supportive love

The intertwined stories of Mary and Elizabeth in the book of Luke tell of the supportive love that extended family can give. These two women of different generations offered each other affirmation and joy as they went through experiences that were both wonderful and terrifying.

As the book of Luke opens, we learn that the aging Elizabeth and her husband Zechariah have been unable to have children. Then, while Zechariah was fulfilling his duty as priest at the temple, an angel of the Lord came to tell him that his prayers for a child would be answered and that the son Elizabeth would bear would be filled with the Holy Spirit and would turn many Israelites to God.

In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, her much younger relative Mary was also visited by an angel. The angel Gabriel told Mary that she had found favor with God and would bear God’s son. He also told her that Elizabeth was pregnant—a sign that nothing is impossible with God.

When Mary heard about Elizabeth, she hurried to visit. When she reached the house, Mary called out to Elizabeth and the child in Elizabeth’s womb jumped for joy. Elizabeth, filled with the Holy Spirit, prophesied about the child Mary was carrying and Mary responded with the Magnificat—a beautiful hymn of praise to God. So there they were, together singing God’s praise in difficult and miraculous times. Mary—young and unmarried and, incredibly, carrying God’s son. Elizabeth—disgraced for years by her lack of children and now expecting her first baby.

How could they not be terrified of what was in store for them? But together they saw the mighty hand of God at work in their lives in ways they may never have imagined. They celebrated each other’s circumstances and affirmed the roles that God gave them. The two must have found much comfort and help in each other, since the Bible says that Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months.

Pass it on

When I think of the affirmation and joy of Mary and Elizabeth’s friendship, I think of my relationship with Eleanor. We look forward to the time we are able to spend together and Eleanor is quick to affirm me in my roles as wife, mother, and graduate student—roles she has played herself during her life.

I also see the reciprocity of Mary and Elizabeth’s friendship in my friendship with Eleanor. In the beginning, I was needing and she was giving. Shortly after we first became acquainted, Eleanor offered to watch my kids for me. She has taken care of my children often over the years, as my family has grown to four children ages 6 to 12 now.

When Eleanor offers to babysit, that means my husband and I have the opportunity to spend some time alone together. While we are out, the kids have the opportunity to hear from Eleanor about growing up as part of a big family on a farm in rural Illinois in the ’20s and ’30s. They hear stories about what it was like to date and eventually marry a soldier who was a prisoner of war in the World War II. They have the full attention of a woman who was a first-grade teacher for 30 years and who genuinely loves spending time with them.

I ask Eleanor whether I can pay her and she always says no. She once told me that years ago, when her children were small, she had neighbors, Virginia and Clarence Wiele, who helped her out. “You know, Virginia would just come and help me out of more trials and tribulations and there really wasn’t much I could do for her . . . and she’d say, ‘Oh, pass it on!’ and well, that’s what it is—passing it on!” said Eleanor. “I guess in all honesty I feel like Virginia. I have the time, and I’m passing along something that meant a lot to me when I was a younger woman myself.”

Eleanor cannot possibly know how much her friendship has meant to me, not only because of the babysitting, but the fact that she has become an extra grandparent to my children and she is family to my husband and me. I listen to her experience, her views, and advice— her perspective is invaluable to me. She was married for 38 years and sometimes she helps me, even without meaning to, see the forest for the trees. She helps me have a sense of humor about family life with all its ups and downs. What a gift.

Making connections

The opportunities for me to reciprocate are not many, but occasionally I have the chance. A couple of years ago, the husband of one of Eleanor’s dearest friends passed away. Eleanor wanted to get to Iowa for that funeral. She could have made the drive alone, but it was winter and I knew it would be easier for her if someone went with her. We went together.

The trip gave me the chance to see a lot of the places Eleanor has talked about and to meet many of her friends. Those friends were young and old alike, made through years of teaching and church involvement. I remember Eleanor telling me that when she moved to Champaign, she was a little worried that she wouldn’t have the opportunity to make young friends like those she had in Iowa.

Sometimes those friendships fall in your lap, but most need cultivation. How do we as Women of the ELCA help each other make those connections? We need to be in conversation about this. One of our greatest resources is our older women, but we also have young women eager for relationship.

We need to be open, especially to the unexpected. Because of my friendship with Eleanor, I often think about my relationships with older people, but it hadn’t occurred to me until recently that sometimes I may be that older person! There’s a young woman at church who seeks me out. She is a senior in high school, so I’m more than 20 years older than she is. She is funny and smart, and has an interesting outlook on life, and I realize that I need to be intentional in cultivating her friendship.

It seems the time is ripe for us— women of many ages—to find each other, reach out to each other, get to know each other, and support each other in prayer. I have a feeling that we, like Mary and Elizabeth, have much to offer each other and we will find that God will provide for us through those relationships.

Rebecca Kasten lives with her four children, husband, and dog, about six blocks from Eleanor Hoch in Champaign, Illinois. She is immersed in graduate school and attends Bible study at the university’s Lutheran Campus Center. She is a member of Grace Lutheran Church, Champaign.